My sad story (Might be a little graphic TMI)

This has taken me a few tries/days to write.. I keep starting it and then deleting it.  But here goes.I want to get this down.. I want to not be in the dark...

Oct 14th, our 7 year anniversary I had a feeling that morning.. so I took a test.  It was positive.  I was pregnant!  After shock, I was excited.  We weren't trying,, but we were excited.  We were excited to have Z be a big brother... excited about the timing and June seemed like a perfect time.  We were kinda worried...  Not more than 4 months before we had another surprise.  But in that case we barely had time to even let the shock wear off before I lost the baby.  I hadn't been more than 4 weeks.  So we cautiously were we so excited.  We slowly started to tell people.  I went to the dr.  Everything looked great!  Alittle more time passed.  I felt good.  I never started getting sick... which was a big worry, but I was exhausted.. VERY exhausted and everything else was going on that should have.

Then it started.  First very slowly.  Spotting.  Such a terrifying word for moms to be...  and even scarier when its happening.  I rested and called my dr.  They seemed optimistic so I was too.  The best blessing I think was I had about 6 friends in town from all over.. One was with me at the time, she came with me, prayed with me at the dr office, then took Z for me.  My amazing momma met me there.. I didn't have T there b/c it was just a quick check to make sure everything was fine...   ....

They got in me so quickly.. I had to empty my bladder.. so I did.. at which moment things got worse.. and I think a big part of me finally knew.  But I still had hope..

I got on the table and they started looking.  Then words you never want to hear "Are you sure about your dates?  Oh yea, I see you were in already.. hmmm..."  "  Do you have pain in either side of your belly?"

The tech was having a hard time finding the baby.  My heart was sinking.. My hand squeezing my moms so tight and tears were unstoppable.

 I saw it moving.  But when she switched it to the colors.. red and blue, there wasn't any colors in the "sac"... I didn't know what that meant, but I knew it wasn't good...

She found the baby (sac).  I didn't see a heartbeat...  (there was a big TV showing what they were seeing right in front of me..) So I finally found the courage to ask "Can you see the heartbeat??"

She said, not yet, but she found something questionable...  took a few pictures and said she needed to talk to the doctor.. I couldn't help but ask what questionable mean...  She put her arm on my leg and told me the thing I didn't want to hear, but at this point knew.."The sac is very low in my uterus and looks small," and that she was so sorry, she hated being the one to tell, but didn't want to leave me in the dark... She also told me to go ahead and get dressed and one of my midwifes (doctors) would be in soon.

I got dressed.. noticed how much blood was on the floor from me, if my heart could sink any lower it would have.... and I cried.  A few moments later, my midwife came in.  I really don't know what all she said.. I know she said it was so low b/c it was making its way out of me.. and I needed to come back in next week to check my levels and talk about when to try again.. My brain hadn't really wrapped around everything yet... I know I asked her "so I am having another miscarriage??"  I think I just needed to hear her say it.  She said.. " I am so sorry sweetie.. Yes you are...  Take your time, etc.."  

So, there it is...  Miscarriage happens..  About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.  It wasn't anything we did.. There is nothing wrong with me.. Gosh I wish people would stop asking that.. "are they going to do testing on you to see what happened??"  let me just say that is not something you should say when someone tells you about the m/c.

"Since most healthcare practitioners won't do a full-scale workup of a healthy woman after a single miscarriage, it's usually impossible to tell why the pregnancy was lost. And even when a detailed evaluation is performed – after you've had two or three consecutive miscarriages, for instance – the cause still remains unknown half the time." According to webmd

Anyway, my baby is gone.. I'm in pain physically and emotionally.  Postpartum is hard even harder when there is no baby and you are dealing with the pain of it physically coming out of you. But we are ok..  I have amazing support from my family and such great friends..

Please forgive if this post is all over the place.. my mind is all over and so